All Hail President Barack Hussein Obama

Bow down, fuckers!

Ladies and Gentlemen... It's finally over. The road getting here was stressful, sleep deprived, adrenaline boosting, rage building, drug addled, and altogether balls-out. However, it's time for one President Obama to kick this country's ass into gear.

Just an aside- something that has been bothering me is all this "only in America" talk, because does ANYONE else remember South Africa? Not just a black man--- a black former political prisoner took the reigns over there, so- lest we forget, please recall that one*.

But I digress! PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA. I get chills**, do you? Its pretty awesome. What did y'all do on election night '08? I couldn't contain myself and it being such a stressful 8 years leading up to this, I needed to go out and blow off some steam. STEAM. A few of my friends felt the same way and I had a glorious plan. First we would down some drinkies. Craig went with the very appropriate El Presidente- the beer choice of voters everywhere.

From Election Night '08

Then, the most important part of said plan, we headed over to the one place someone can always turn to for fun on a Tuesday night and that is, SWEET, at the Slipper Room, with your pantstacular host Seth Herzog.

From Election Night '08

It was a fun election themed (following the returns)/Seth's bday show, featuring Kristen Schaal, John Mulaney, James Adomian, and Nick Turner- who gave us a fly on the wall perspective of what the DMX interview with XXL magazine (re: who is Barack Obama) was like, which featured these doozies:
Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.

You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.
Barack?!

Barack.
What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?

Yeah.
What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.

You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.

I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.
Anyways it was eye-opening. Seth's mom, always entertaining, read us an open letter she wrote to Sarah Palin... John McCain stopped by, he sounded pretty agitated.

From Election Night '08

and then Barack Obama won the 2008 Presidential Election. And we partied.

From Election Night '08

A bunch of us flooded across the street to Epsteins to watch the speeches on the big screen over the bar- they had opened up the window/doors and a crowd gathered round the sidewalk too. It was all very awesome.

From Election Night '08

Oh and then there was a motorcycle on fire which can only be attributed to civil unrest... but the FDNY and po'po' came and put that shit out. Actually it was funny cuz all us onlookers were standing there taking pictures and the first time it dawned on me that maybe someone should put it out was when the FDNY came and sprayed it down with some extinguishers. oh yeah... I guess we could have put it out... It's hard to extinguish massive fires while simultaneously taking pictures.

From Election Night '08

Revelers filled the streets.

From Election Night '08

It was pretty awe inspiring, and smiles all around.

From Election Night '08

I for one welcome our new leader and wish our new President-Elect and the rest of us lots of luck. Additionally, the names of those who voted for McCain/Palin should be printed in local papers around the country so they can be all be put into stocks in the town square and publicly administered a soup-can-to-the-nuts.

Oh and when I got home at 1:30am, my Obama t shirt in it's mailing envelope sat on the table waiting to be opened.


Good timing, douchebags. Good timing.

SLIDESHOW!




* did that sound racist? that wasn't supposed to sound racist. it was supposed to sound funny.
** good chills

on the job training...

"We don't have time for on-the-job training, my friends." - Sen. & Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain, 10/7/08, 2nd Presidential Debate, Nashville, TN

Ned McCain?

Quick thought, post-debate III. More to come.

Tonight I realized who Sen. John McCain reminds me of. It's Ned, from the Venture Bros, he's one of the Fantastic Four parody. As described by the Venture Bros Wiki, Ned is Sally's retarded cousin, with 3 inches of callused skin so the insults don't hurt!

Look at Ned:


And now look at McCain:


You can barely tell these two apart- here, test yourself:

a)

b)

Just absolutely impossible to figure this out*.



* I really can't tell... They definitely both sound like McCain.

What if? John McCain Had a Heart Attack?

What if John McCain was elected President of the United States and then he had a heart attack?



That's pretty much the idea of this post.

McCain to Supporters: "Why You Gotta Be So Angry?"

Back when I was running for Mayor of moe.ville, I learned to take the hardcore devotion of my followers with a grain of salt. On advice from my Attorney, I also had to memorize this statement which got me out of a few sticky (or sticker-y) situations: "I cannot be held responsible for the dedication of my followers."
Yes, we definitely created a monster.
(PICTURED BELOW: campaign manager el herno & mayoral candidate- me, circa 2002)

Currently, Republican Presidential Nominee Sen. John McCain is witnessing the devotion of his very own supporters... And they're kind of scary.

While I don't believe John McCain created this monster, I do believe his campaign may have fed the monster HGH, Coffee, Crank, PCP, Meth, and tied it to a tree poking it with a sharp stick until it broke free and ran wild on Main Street of Anytown, USA, disemboweling Joe 6-Pack for kicks. That said, I think some of his very worst representatives have finally started to crawl out of the woodwork and even he is disgusted by their actions (or maybe he's finally realizing that these are the only people left?).

Yes, although he has not admitted it- I kind of think maybe Sen. John Sidney McCain III is partially responsible for the dedication of his followers.

Like this now famous racist, whom tv cameras shot from the back, hiding her face...

Or these two creative sign-makers at a McCain rally...

and this poor girl who is too young to realize what cause her parents sold her out to (and her father who would be at work except that he lost his job a while back)...

All in all it's a swell group of folks and I anxiously await meeting more of them in the days ahead. They can only enlighten us, no?

McCain to Obama: "Hey You, My Soup Is Cold!"

Where's Sandman Sims when you need him? I'm starting to feel kinda bad for John McCain. Not bad enough to give the pandering old whacko a sympathy vote, but bad enough to make him some farina or something. The other night at the debate he was just teetering around the stage like a tired old man. He doesn't want to be the President anymore, he just wants to put on some flannel pajamas, eat some apple sauce, and fall asleep in his favorite chair.

There he was onstage at the debate, shuffling around mumbling about "nuclear power" with no full grasp or explanation of the disposal issues of such a venture (he gets his ideas from watching the Jetsons). At around 00:59 he becomes Mr. Burns.



"Senator Obama says it has to be safe or disposed of or something like that, look, I was on Navy ships that had nuclear power plants..." -Senator & Republican Presidential Nominee John Sidney McCain III

Stop for a second, go back, read that again. After watching that clip above (if you did) you should be made aware that Nuclear Power Plants have short shelf lives and even aside from the water, wildlife, and local ground pollution they contribute to while they are in service, when a plant is closed the equipment (including reactors and plutonium) must be dismantled, decontaminated, wrapped in a glorified industrial strength garbage bag, buried in a hole in the ground, and then covered over with cement- eventually* the radiation will dissipate- in other words, there are currently only temporary storage methods for it's disposal. Sounds safe to me! Silly Barack, always bumming people out with facts.

Regardless- just look at this:



Is that the look of a man who still believes what is coming out of his own mouth? All he is now is the slowly fading last hope of the Conservative Republican Dream. The Dream is Dead, Assholes.

Gullo pointed out that this is similar to Nixon's double-V,



it's a good point, cuz you just know if McCain could still lift his arms above his head, he would be doing the same pose.



One "kind" thing McCain has done in the past day or so, is try and settle down the angry rednecks who the anti-Obama propaganda has been aimed at and riling up.
"Chants of "terrorist" and "kill him" were reportedly heard at recent McCain Republican events and some commentators blamed hard-hitting negative advertisements which claimed Obama consorted with a domestic "terrorist" -- 1960s radical William Ayers.
On Friday, McCain was forced to intervene twice at a town hall meeting in Minnesota after one voter described Obama as an Arab and another said he was "scared" of the Democratic nominee."...

Not only does McCain sound like he's already conceding, but he also sounds like he's ready to vote for Obama himself.

"On Friday during a town hall-style meeting in Lakeville, Minn., a supporter told McCain that he feared what would happen if Obama were elected. McCain drew boos when he defended his rival as a "decent person and a person that you do not have to be scared of as president of the United States."
"A woman told McCain that she didn't trust Obama because "he's an Arab." Shaking his head and taking the microphone from her, McCain replied: "No, ma'am. He's a decent, family man, citizen, that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues and that's what this campaign is all about."

Oh, and Sarah Palin was found guilty of abusing her power as Gov. of Alaska by pressuring officials to fire her former brother-in-law, a State Trooper who had a messy divorce with her sister. This is the woman who said she thinks the Vice President should be granted more Executive Powers.

It's hard to believe there are still undecided voters out there; at this point they've either gotta be stupid or racist- these people should no longer be allowed to vote.


*plutonium's half life is 25,000 years, by then McCain (and all of us) should theoretically be dead, so you won't have (John McCain) to kick around anymore!

post VP debate musings.

Last night’s VP debate was a real rager. Gwen Ifill didn’t press issues for fear of coming off as crooked. Joe Biden was absolutely spectacular, even though he held off on the aggressiveness for fear of being accused of picking on a girl. Sarah Palin played up the folksy shit, regurgitated some well rehearsed sentences, and talked about what she wanted to (ENERGY) regardless of what the question was.



There were many things I disagreed with Sarah Palin about but what got me particularly agitated was her ignorant, archaic, american-centric, and just plain FALSE statements about the environment. Lady, you are less qualified to talk about the environment than you are to be running for Vice President.



Palin is flat-out perpetuating a grand lie. Luckily Joe Biden’s response calmed me down. America is not only the leading polluter and consumer of energy in the entire world, but Mr. George W. Bush & Dick Cheney rejected the Kyoto Protocols ensuring that these United States would remain decades behind the rest of the world in exploring and implementing renewable resources and green technology for years to come.

Palin's 20th century "view"* on the subject of environmental issues is exactly what got us in the massive quagmire we are in in the first place. So, quite seriously, shut your fucking trap you dumb bitch.

Yes, by all means, if you would like another person who is in the front pocket of the oil companies making key decisions on energy production while personally and professionally profiting from such policies, Sarah Palin is your gal.

Speaking of which, Palin mentioned she would like to see the Vice President given more flexibility and power in their position which aligns her with Dick Cheney who has refused under “executive privilege” to testify in hearings about his role in the Valerie Plame CIA leak. So even if that was also a “lame excuse for a joke” it’s piss poor timing and lack of judgement on her part.

IFILL: Governor, you mentioned a moment ago the constitution might give the vice president more power than it has in the past. Do you believe as Vice President Cheney does, that the Executive Branch does not hold complete sway over the office of the vice presidency, that it it is also a member of the Legislative Branch?
PALIN: Well, our founding fathers were very wise there in allowing through the Constitution much flexibility there in the office of the vice president. And we will do what is best for the American people in tapping into that position and ushering in an agenda that is supportive and cooperative with the president's agenda in that position. Yeah, so I do agree with him that we have a lot of flexibility in there, and we'll do what we have to do to administer very appropriately the plans that are needed for this nation.

So, her answer to the question about interpreting the role and power of the vice presidency and whether it falls under rules of the legislative or executive branch of the government was: the constitution is good and Dick Cheney knows how to work the system.

Here it shouldn’t be a secret that I enjoyed Biden’s answer to this question which he delivered perfectly and without being condescending:

BIDEN: Vice President Cheney has been the most dangerous vice president we've had probably in American history. The idea he doesn't realize that Article I of the Constitution defines the role of the vice president of the United States, that's the Executive Branch. He works in the Executive Branch. He should understand that. Everyone should understand that.
And the primary role of the vice president of the United States of America is to support the president of the United States of America, give that president his or her best judgment when sought, and as vice president, to preside over the Senate, only in a time when in fact there's a tie vote. The Constitution is explicit.
The only authority the vice president has from the legislative standpoint is the vote, only when there is a tie vote. He has no authority relative to the Congress. The idea he's part of the Legislative Branch is a bizarre notion invented by Cheney to aggrandize the power of a unitary executive and look where it has gotten us. It has been very dangerous.
I loved those two answers because they really showed a fundamental difference in beliefs, experience, and intelligence.

Also, SHE WAS WINKING AT SOMEONE!!!! Who was she winking at? Me? You? Dick Cheney? At a time when approval ratings and the amount of trust the American people have for their elected officials is at an all time low, while talk of needed “transparency” is at an all time high--- she’s WINKING at someone??? There’s full “transparency” for you right there. She’s showing EVERYONE that she can’t be trusted!

PALIN: As for disagreeing with John McCain and how our administration would work, what do you expect? A team of mavericks, of course we're not going to agree on 100 percent of everything. As we discuss ANWR there, at least we can agree to disagree on that one. I will keep pushing ***WINK*** him on ANWR. I have so appreciated he has never asked me to check my opinions at the door and he wants a deliberative debate and healthy debate so we can make good policy.>>
(it’s around 2:03 in this clip below)


A WINK? Really??? A WINK??? YOU FUCKING SCUMBAG!!!!



Did anyone else find it slightly odd that the issue of abortion was never raised? I think I heard Joe Biden mention “Roe v. Wade” once, but that was it. And Palin when describing her family and average every day American issues was quick not to mention her pregnant teenage daughter.

PALIN: But it wasn't just that experience tapped into, it was my connection to the heartland of America. Being a mom, one very concerned about a son in the war, about a special needs child, about kids heading off to college, how are we going to pay those tuition bills? About times and Todd and our marriage in our past where we didn't have health insurance and we know what other Americans are going through as they sit around the kitchen table and try to figure out how are they going to pay out-of-pocket for health care? We've been there also so that connection was important.

As far as the whole gay marriage topic is concerned, I still don’t understand why, in the year 2008, why to ANYONE that this is even an issue. Who fucking cares? Both sides had concern with it, the main difference I saw between the two candidates was this: while Palin outright opposed the idea without masking it with a lot of double-talk but DID say that no constitutional rights would be taken from homosexuals, Biden seems to want to enforce granting the same rights to homosexual couples in a committed relationship as heterosexual couples get (he gave specific examples: property rights, rights of visitation, rights to insurance, rights of ownership). However, why this remains such a semantics debate is beyond me. Marriage as an institution has been sullied by heterosexual couples for years, if homosexuals want to take the plunge into the abyss, I say ‘good luck’ to ‘em. Isn’t it high time to start treating everyone equally?** Oddly, this was the only topic the candidates "agreed" upon and when Gwen Ifil pointed that out it got a big laugh from the audience- one of the only laughs from the whole evening, which I'm sure left gay voters just overflowing with confidence.

Anywhoosits, I started this post thinking it would be a quick one but outrage got the better of me. My mind hasn’t changed, I’m psyched Biden did as well as he did, and Palin did just what I expected from her. She’s a PTA mom gone mad with power and it’s an insult to all Americans that she is even being considered for such an important political position.

So, despite the fanfare and attention paid to another “performance” by Palin by the press outlets, Biden was the clear winner.***


* It's in quotes because she was programmed to say these things

** the answer is ‘yes’.

*** other than the tv stations

pre & post-debate headlines...

pre-debate headline... well, this one is just funny.

yes, i'm a child, but how do you pass that up?

and just a couple of quick reactions to some post-vp-debate headlines... larger post to follow.



well, gosh darn, my curiosity just got the better of me on this one.

lg exclusive: palin preparing for thursday's debate

LG WEB EXCLUSIVE: This just in from the wire- we now have exclusive pictures of Gov. Sarah Palin, Republican VP Nominee, preparing for Thursday's debate vs. Senator & Democratic VP Nominee, Joe Biden.

Katie Couric Asks the Tough Questions.

This just absolutely terrifies me.

Watch both these segments and keep in mind when you are watching them, that they are two different segments. Sarah Palin is so inept she has little trouble making Katie Couric seem like a hard-hitting journalist.

"Politics have got to be put aside." says Sarah Palin. Indeed. The term "Crisis Mode" is used repeatedly. She is just "ill about this position that we've (she's) been put in."

I did better on my Spanish Regents Exam* than Palin did at a Couric interview and she doesn't even have to conjugate foreign verbs.

Dear Governor Palin,

You can memorize as many flash-cards as you want, but it won't do you any good. You need to use applied knowledge, which you can't, because you don't have.

Go Fuck Yourself For Being Part of the Problem.

Sincerely,
Lynn

part 1

Watch CBS Videos Online

part 2

Watch CBS Videos Online

* I passed.

the origins of sarah palin...

A question has been eating away at me for months now- I knew that John McCain sold his soul to the devil all those years ago in a vietnamese P.O.W. camp, vowing revenge on his captors, that was fairly obvious. What I couldn't figure out was where the hell the devil was hanging out these days?

After receiving this delightful picture courtesy of Gullo over at SofaJockey.com it hit me like a cupcake to the face.

Just LOOK at her all decked out in red! All this talk about "transparency" and she refuses to allow her own press corps to cover her- it's because she doesn't want anyone to see her for what she really is! Sarah Palin is the fucking devil!

And the only way to destroy the devil is to pummel her with the purest of weapons: vanilla/vanilla cupcakes. SO, throw them at will, good people of Earth! Watch as her skin bubbles and smokes. Listen as she shrieks with the pain of double vanilla cupcakey doom!

Then and only then can we rest easy, for the devil will either die, develop diabetes (eventually), or retreat to Alaska, where "coincidentally"- the temperature has been steadily rising ever since Sarah Palin was appointed to public office*. However, if John McCain is elected President, say goodbye the Hand-Puppet, cuz the Devil's a heartbeat away from running the United States (you thought W was bad?).

STRENGTH IN CUPCAKES!

*fact-check that shit, it's all true.