Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
gestation of a foodbaby... pt.3
DISCLAIMER: if you're just tuning in now, this is another entry in a series entitled, "gestation of a foodbaby" which follows the development of a fetus that is temporarily living in my friend's body (NOT MINE). please refer to the original entry for the full story.
20 weeks, "a banana".
a what? how do you go from 3 consecutively ball-like items (turnip, bell pepper, tomato) to a fucking banana? i mean, barring the fetus being stretched out all week (is it trying to look taller? buy beer?), it makes NO SENSE.
regardless. a 20 week old fetus apparently is the size of a banana.
there are certain ingredients you can substitute for in baking (ie: buttermilk = milk + lemon juice), but if you tried to substitute banana with a 20 week old fetus, there would be considerable damage done to any recipe. banana bread would taste more like a tender meat loaf. you wouldn't want to dunk that in your coffee, but it would probably still taste good lightly toasted and covered with butter (what doesn't?).
the only other thing bananas and 20 week old fetuses have in common is that both start to smell if left in the garbage too long (too far?).
20 weeks old, a banana.
20 weeks, "a banana".
a what? how do you go from 3 consecutively ball-like items (turnip, bell pepper, tomato) to a fucking banana? i mean, barring the fetus being stretched out all week (is it trying to look taller? buy beer?), it makes NO SENSE.
regardless. a 20 week old fetus apparently is the size of a banana.
there are certain ingredients you can substitute for in baking (ie: buttermilk = milk + lemon juice), but if you tried to substitute banana with a 20 week old fetus, there would be considerable damage done to any recipe. banana bread would taste more like a tender meat loaf. you wouldn't want to dunk that in your coffee, but it would probably still taste good lightly toasted and covered with butter (what doesn't?).
the only other thing bananas and 20 week old fetuses have in common is that both start to smell if left in the garbage too long (too far?).
20 weeks old, a banana.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
gestation of a foodbaby... pt.2
19 weeks, heirloom tomato
if you're just tuning in now, this is another entry in a series entitled, "gestation of a foodbaby" which follows the development of a fetus that is temporarily living in my friend's body (NOT MINE). please refer to the original entry for the full story.
this week's entry posed certain specific challenges. the first of which is that according to this crazy website (weekly update via my friend), a 19 week old fetus is the size of a "large heirloom tomato". but there's like 100's of types of heirloom tomatoes, plenty of them are large and i had to choose one.
which brings us to the 2nd challenge of this week's post. my personal battle with this entire series to put it bluntly has been: how many posts/weeks could i get through before i finally started making jokes about eating fetuses? see, the problem here is firmly rooted in the fact that this weekly comparison is of FOOD and FETUSES. so this isn't me being weird, i mean, if you keep comparing a fetus to food, one day i'm gonna start salivating when i walk past a planned parenthood clinic. it's classic conditioning.
what's worse is that I LOVE TOMATOES! my grandfather used to own a tomato-packing warehouse, we've grown tomatoes in our home garden since before i can remember, and i have been known to eat them as anyone would eat an apple or a peach (or a fetus) BECAUSE THEY ARE REALLY YUMMY (tomatoes that is).
so i tried to be strong. i did. i actually explained to someone last week that it was my friend's baby and i probably shouldn't make jokes about "real baby back ribs" because it might get weird and i didn't want to scare her so i needed to behave myself. but now with the tomatoes... you've got me. i'm weak.
19 weeks, heirloom tomato, looking oh-so-juicy and tasty
19 weeks old ala vodka
19 weeks old caprese salad
19 weeks old gazpacho shooters
so that's the answer to the nagging question which was- how many weeks would it take before i broke down and started making jokes about eating fetuses? the answer is: exactly 1 week...
oh, what the hell? one more!
(this is one of our garden tomatoes from a few years back- amazing-- possibly a brandywine?)
if you're just tuning in now, this is another entry in a series entitled, "gestation of a foodbaby" which follows the development of a fetus that is temporarily living in my friend's body (NOT MINE). please refer to the original entry for the full story.
this week's entry posed certain specific challenges. the first of which is that according to this crazy website (weekly update via my friend), a 19 week old fetus is the size of a "large heirloom tomato". but there's like 100's of types of heirloom tomatoes, plenty of them are large and i had to choose one.
which brings us to the 2nd challenge of this week's post. my personal battle with this entire series to put it bluntly has been: how many posts/weeks could i get through before i finally started making jokes about eating fetuses? see, the problem here is firmly rooted in the fact that this weekly comparison is of FOOD and FETUSES. so this isn't me being weird, i mean, if you keep comparing a fetus to food, one day i'm gonna start salivating when i walk past a planned parenthood clinic. it's classic conditioning.
what's worse is that I LOVE TOMATOES! my grandfather used to own a tomato-packing warehouse, we've grown tomatoes in our home garden since before i can remember, and i have been known to eat them as anyone would eat an apple or a peach (or a fetus) BECAUSE THEY ARE REALLY YUMMY (tomatoes that is).
so i tried to be strong. i did. i actually explained to someone last week that it was my friend's baby and i probably shouldn't make jokes about "real baby back ribs" because it might get weird and i didn't want to scare her so i needed to behave myself. but now with the tomatoes... you've got me. i'm weak.
19 weeks, heirloom tomato, looking oh-so-juicy and tasty
19 weeks old ala vodka
19 weeks old caprese salad
19 weeks old gazpacho shooters
so that's the answer to the nagging question which was- how many weeks would it take before i broke down and started making jokes about eating fetuses? the answer is: exactly 1 week...
oh, what the hell? one more!
(this is one of our garden tomatoes from a few years back- amazing-- possibly a brandywine?)
Monday, July 7, 2008
from the sports desk... injury report edition.
team DOOM DOOM DOOM has been rocked at it's foundations by injuries this year. it's almost the all-star break and the corpses keep dropping with no end in sight (except october). so here's a little injury list update (thanks, rotoworld):
Ryan Zimmerman-3B- Nationals Jul. 4 - 4:08 pm et
Ryan Zimmerman (shoulder) got a good review from Reds' medical director Dr. Timothy Kremchek Thursday.
"Everything looked good to [Kremchek]," Zimmerman said. "Everything looked strong -- keep doing what we are doing, keep progressing. He said it looks fine." The Nats are hoping Zim can rejoin the team by late July or early August.
not horrendous since i've also got mark reynolds, cantu, and kouzmanoff- and all are hot at the moment (though reynolds took a line drive in the wrist last week... he seems to be okay now- except that he catches like a fucking girl!).
this next one will definitely hurt:
Matt Capps-R - Pirates Jul. 2 - 6:58 pm et
Pirates placed RHP Matt Capps on the 15-day disabled list with bursitis in his right shoulder and internal rotation deficit.
An older reliever would probably attempt a comeback after a couple of weeks off. The Pirates, though, will be particularly careful with the 24-year-old Capps when they have so little to gain by rushing him back. Damaso Marte can close this month and further improve his trade value in the process. While the early word is that Capps will miss two months, the Pirates may decide there's no reason to activate him in September unless everything goes perfectly in his rehab.
Matt Capps-R- Pirates Jul. 7 - 12:40 am et
Matt Capps flew to Florida on Sunday to begin rehabbing his sore shoulder.
Capps is expected to be out until at least the first week of September, but he says he expects to pitch again this season.
probably the biggest blow to my team so far has been:
David Ortiz-DH-Red Sox Jul. 7 - 7:06 pm et
David Ortiz took batting practice Monday for the first time since injuring his wrist on May 31.
Both Ortiz and manager Terry Francona reported afterward that the BP session went well, but there's still no timetable for Ortiz's return. "It's hard, man, it's hard," Ortiz said. "You want to be out there in those series. But that said, I have to be patient. I don't want to be stupid about coming back. I don't want to come back and not be ready and get things worse."
which brings us to--- oh i dunno, who else? oh yah-
Eric Byrnes-OF - Diamondbacks Jun. 30 - 10:53 pm et
Eric Byrnes left Monday's game with a strained left hamstring.
Byrnes just returned from injuries to both hamstrings a week ago, and he's never been right at any point of the season. He reinjured himself tonight trying to steal third base, and there's a good chance he'll land back on the disabled list.
Eric Byrnes-OF- Diamondbacks Jul. 3 - 9:13 am et
According to the Arizona Republic, Eric Byrnes may require surgery to repair his injured hamstring.
Byrnes would likely miss the remainder of the season if he goes under the knife, but no decision on his status has been made yet. "Then it becomes a decision on his part, too, whether he wants to, based on the opinions he gets and listening to all the proper personnel to listen to," manager Bob Melvin said.
huzzah, eric byrnes. well played, you fucking dipshit.
in either good or bad news, i will no longer have a* player who is NA:
Clay Buchholz-S- Red Sox Jul. 7 - 4:35 pm et
The Providence Journal reports that Clay Buchholz will be called up to start Friday's game against Baltimore.
The timing of the move is odd as Justin Masterson had limited the Yankees to two runs in six innings Saturday while Buchholz gave up five runs in five innings at Triple-A. Buchholz had limited opponents to one run in 22 2/3 innings before that, though, so he'll be promoted.
team DOOM DOOM DOOM is current frontrunner for the league's "DK Award" (darryl kile) which is presented to the xmlb team that has a player die during the season. i'm totally winning that shit before lento.
that's it from the sportsdesk...
lynn, mgr. team DOOM DOOM DOOM
*because I already dropped Rich Hill when i had 2 NA's
Ryan Zimmerman-3B- Nationals Jul. 4 - 4:08 pm et
Ryan Zimmerman (shoulder) got a good review from Reds' medical director Dr. Timothy Kremchek Thursday.
"Everything looked good to [Kremchek]," Zimmerman said. "Everything looked strong -- keep doing what we are doing, keep progressing. He said it looks fine." The Nats are hoping Zim can rejoin the team by late July or early August.
not horrendous since i've also got mark reynolds, cantu, and kouzmanoff- and all are hot at the moment (though reynolds took a line drive in the wrist last week... he seems to be okay now- except that he catches like a fucking girl!).
this next one will definitely hurt:
Matt Capps-R - Pirates Jul. 2 - 6:58 pm et
Pirates placed RHP Matt Capps on the 15-day disabled list with bursitis in his right shoulder and internal rotation deficit.
An older reliever would probably attempt a comeback after a couple of weeks off. The Pirates, though, will be particularly careful with the 24-year-old Capps when they have so little to gain by rushing him back. Damaso Marte can close this month and further improve his trade value in the process. While the early word is that Capps will miss two months, the Pirates may decide there's no reason to activate him in September unless everything goes perfectly in his rehab.
Matt Capps-R- Pirates Jul. 7 - 12:40 am et
Matt Capps flew to Florida on Sunday to begin rehabbing his sore shoulder.
Capps is expected to be out until at least the first week of September, but he says he expects to pitch again this season.
probably the biggest blow to my team so far has been:
David Ortiz-DH-Red Sox Jul. 7 - 7:06 pm et
David Ortiz took batting practice Monday for the first time since injuring his wrist on May 31.
Both Ortiz and manager Terry Francona reported afterward that the BP session went well, but there's still no timetable for Ortiz's return. "It's hard, man, it's hard," Ortiz said. "You want to be out there in those series. But that said, I have to be patient. I don't want to be stupid about coming back. I don't want to come back and not be ready and get things worse."
which brings us to--- oh i dunno, who else? oh yah-
Eric Byrnes-OF - Diamondbacks Jun. 30 - 10:53 pm et
Eric Byrnes left Monday's game with a strained left hamstring.
Byrnes just returned from injuries to both hamstrings a week ago, and he's never been right at any point of the season. He reinjured himself tonight trying to steal third base, and there's a good chance he'll land back on the disabled list.
Eric Byrnes-OF- Diamondbacks Jul. 3 - 9:13 am et
According to the Arizona Republic, Eric Byrnes may require surgery to repair his injured hamstring.
Byrnes would likely miss the remainder of the season if he goes under the knife, but no decision on his status has been made yet. "Then it becomes a decision on his part, too, whether he wants to, based on the opinions he gets and listening to all the proper personnel to listen to," manager Bob Melvin said.
huzzah, eric byrnes. well played, you fucking dipshit.
in either good or bad news, i will no longer have a* player who is NA:
Clay Buchholz-S- Red Sox Jul. 7 - 4:35 pm et
The Providence Journal reports that Clay Buchholz will be called up to start Friday's game against Baltimore.
The timing of the move is odd as Justin Masterson had limited the Yankees to two runs in six innings Saturday while Buchholz gave up five runs in five innings at Triple-A. Buchholz had limited opponents to one run in 22 2/3 innings before that, though, so he'll be promoted.
team DOOM DOOM DOOM is current frontrunner for the league's "DK Award" (darryl kile) which is presented to the xmlb team that has a player die during the season. i'm totally winning that shit before lento.
that's it from the sportsdesk...
lynn, mgr. team DOOM DOOM DOOM
*because I already dropped Rich Hill when i had 2 NA's
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
off to the glue factory with you, eric byrnes... the glue factory.
monday night led to an unfortunate turn of events for arizona diamondback's OF eric byrnes. back after approximately one month on the DL with a tear in each of his hamstrings (he was finally forced onto the DL after 2 months of struggling and "toughing it out"), byrnes finally made it all the way to 2B. perhaps his horrible mustache was working!
fantasy managers everywhere heaved a sigh of relief. that is, until he tried to steal 3B- after a quick sprint he came up lame and did a flying belly-flop to the ground like some sort of spectacular paraplegic ballerina. on-field trainers quickly diagnosed the condition as grave and did the only thing they could do in that situation... they put him down. right there at 3B, in front of thousands in the stadium and millions watching on tv.
http://arizona.diamondbacks.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?mid=200807013039496
it's hard to say if it was the right move, but at least it was done in a humane way. like barbaro, he's in a better place now. a place where it's 2007 all the time and he can run free in the lavender meadows with kevin brown, jeremy bonderman, nomar garciaparra, and all the rest of the injured ballplayers who expired before their time.
fantasy managers everywhere heaved a sigh of relief. that is, until he tried to steal 3B- after a quick sprint he came up lame and did a flying belly-flop to the ground like some sort of spectacular paraplegic ballerina. on-field trainers quickly diagnosed the condition as grave and did the only thing they could do in that situation... they put him down. right there at 3B, in front of thousands in the stadium and millions watching on tv.
http://arizona.diamondbacks.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?mid=200807013039496
it's hard to say if it was the right move, but at least it was done in a humane way. like barbaro, he's in a better place now. a place where it's 2007 all the time and he can run free in the lavender meadows with kevin brown, jeremy bonderman, nomar garciaparra, and all the rest of the injured ballplayers who expired before their time.
eric byrnes, a haiku
launching then flying
right and left both hammies pop
to pasture with you
launching then flying
right and left both hammies pop
to pasture with you
goodbye, eric byrnes. R.I.P. 1976-2008
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