Monday, December 1, 2008

when black friday comes, i'm gonna dig myself a hole...

Black Friday deaths… Shocking? Not really. I’d kill for a fucking flat-screen any day. You would too, don’t even lie. Nothing would make my holiday season complete like a blood-tv. That way, every time I picked up the remote to watch cartoons taller than me, I’d remember the selfless man-floor I had to run over, who gave his life so I could make my way to the Wal-Mart Electronics department at 5am to save a few bucks. Then I’d remember the best part which was when I threw that baby towards the asshole dressed like a cop who told me to stop shopping cuz somebody died. Stop shopping? “Are you on crack?” I’d say! And then I’d laugh and throw that stranger’s baby in their faces. “HA HA” to them and STRANGERBABY to their skulls! If I were to stop shopping than that man’s death would be in vain. I NEED MORE BIG TV’s.


Man, those were good times on a Friday morning.

CEO’s everywhere heard about the Black Friday deaths and heaved a sigh of relief knowing that America’s lust for STUFF was alive and well despite an economic and moral downturn.

Actual footage of CEO’s last Friday:


DISCLAIMER: seriously though, that herd of fucking animals disgusts me, who does that??? There’s store footage of the Valley Stream incident online and I was morbidly curious but could not go through with watching it, it’s just the lowest form of human scumbaggery. Just fucking horrible. These stores set up Black Friday exactly for this sort of mob mentality and should share blame along with the actual trample-ers. It’s shopping as sport. A race to the finish. To the victors go the spoils- or ya know, the chance to spend money so they can save money.

3 comments:

michael said...

I've consistently campaigned for one day a year where murder is legal. Now a single, salty tear rolls down my cheek as my dream has finally been realized.

jackl said...

Yah, Wal-Mart, handwringing.

But seriously, everyone outside of the "Black Friday" bubble knows what this is about. Remember the fire at "The Station" nightclub because of the dumb Bermuda Triangle with pyrotechnics, flammable soundproofing and no fire exits? How about the last GA R&R show in Cleveland where people got trampled on the floor.

Tell me how a "doorbuster" (literally) special sale with a few flat screen TVs being sold to an uncontrolled stampede of greedy idiots isn't "criminal negligence'. Tell me if this wouldn't be any different, if, say, Phish offerred its Hampton tickets at one outlet with no crowd control.

lynn said...

the only difference is that phish are too responsible to let something like that happen (post '95 waterloo shuttle-bus debacle)... and in case of emergency would be able to easily disperse the large crowd with a soapy fire-hose.