Monday, July 28, 2008

eh, what's one more?

granted this guy is a rapist and murderer... but the headline struck me as funny. ha ha death!

Monday, July 21, 2008

gestation of a foodbaby... pt.4

21 weeks, a carrot (the "length" of a carrot)

DISCLAIMER: if you're just tuning in now, this is another entry in a series entitled, "gestation of a foodbaby" which follows the development of a fetus that is temporarily living in my friend's body (NOT MINE). please refer to the original entry for the full story.

carrots are yummy. i am pretty picky and only buy organic carrots. this is because i can taste the difference between a carrot that tastes like carrot and a carrot that tastes like a bucket of pesticides burning my tastebuds- chemically.

if you are not eating organic carrots, you ain't l-i-v-i-n-'. so pick yourself up a bag today. i enjoy peeling, chopping, and boiling carrots for a couple of minutes til they are slightly tender. i save some of the carrot water to mix with organic butter and salt to create a yummy sauce for the carrots. it's truly a taste sensation overload.

at 21 weeks old a fetus is roughly (very roughly, i'd venture to guess) the length of a carrot. there are many different types of carrots.

there are the carrots we are most accustomed to seeing:

but there are also purple carrots:

also, really gross carrots* (this popping out of my friend would be just as bad as the lizard baby from "V"):

oh the wonder of life and art in nature. live it up, peoples.

* yes, it's a carrot top joke. fuck you.

moe., 7/05/08, the stone pony, asbury park, nj

it's been many years since i first started seeing shows at the legendary stone pony in asbury park, but one thing has always remained the same about the national landmark and that is that the stone pony is HANDS DOWN _THE_ *DRUNKEST* VENUE in the entire northeast (possibly the entire continental u.s.). originally, i was not going to see this show. matt campbell had an extra ticket for both nights at the pony and tried to talk me into the night before, but to be totally honest, i wanted nothing to do with the jersey shore on july 4th or sharing the road with the drivers on my way home. also, let me please note that the following day- 7/6, i was originally going to see the band up in danbury, ct- but instead chose to go to a bridal shower on lawnguyland fearing the bride-to-be would never talk to me again if she found out i chose moe. over her (dear moe., it was only one day, it meant nothing to me, please forgive me, i swear am going back to choosing YOU over my friends like it should be-- in fact, i already have. love, lynn). anyways, i decided to go to the 6/5 show even though i was afraid it was going to be a ballad night.

i got a text on the drive down the garden state parkway, maybe around exit 150 or so. matt letting me know that the night before they played timmy, spine, queen of everything... i looked at my phone and said "fuck." out loud. yeah, okay, so i had a feeling what that meant. then a 2nd text about a minute later, "oh and meat." ... "FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUUUUUUUCK.". i considered turning my car around but didn't. by the time i got to the pony (i missed my exit and matt had to give me alternate directions) and picked up my ticket at the front door, the band was minutes from getting onstage (and i had to pee). i needed a screwdriver and then i needed to find matt and kristin. i got another text, "chuck side head shop." standing at the bar was what could only be described as a "local cougar" (who randomly decided to hit the pony) was asking questions like, "what band is playing? are they good? who??" with that, moe. began, akimbo it was, and i walked outside.

the backyard at the stone pony is basically a giant parking lot that has been fenced off for the summer shows. the club opens up these giant garage doors on the back wall and it opens into the backyard... and a giant bar. the merch table is on the left, there are beer stands along the back wall (and in every corner) and about 20 feet in is the soundboard facing the stage. on the left hand (facing the stage) wall are some t shirt/hippie shit vendors, it smells like incense, and there's an entrance way to the porta-potties if you choose to go that route. and drunk people. lots of drunk people. everywhere. i mean EVERYWHERE. the place gets packed and the packs get drunk. ween played there a few years back and it was absolutely the drunkest concert i've ever seen. everyone was a mess. moe. played there some time ago and there was a monsoon, 3 inches of water onstage, the band almost died, they stopped to squeegee... and in the process everyone got drunker. so you see the pattern. it's inevitable. and i was afeared.

i couldn't spot matt or kristin but i slowly moved up on chuckside keeping my eyes peeled. i figured matt would be wearing a bandana and possibly a tie dyed t shirt. which is great but you try finding that in a sea of fucking hippies. if only i could remember what COLOR bandana it was! "is matt a blood or a crip?" i asked myself. and then finally i spotted him- "HE'S A BLOOD!" i screamed to no one in particular. he spotted me and then escorted me up to the left of the massive mess of a crowd pushing to get to the center. it was great to see kristin again- i totally remembered who she was, so that is always cool.

well, all 4 of my regular readers are probably familiar with the fact that i'm not a huge fan of blue jeans pizza- but i recently had a revelation. something was really bothering me about part of the song. i finally figured out what it was. there's a transition in there that reminds me of a dave matthews band song and it bugs the crap out of me. i can't remember if it was 'ants marching' or 'tripping billies' and to figure it out i would have to listen to the songs and it's just not worth it to me. so since my epiphany i've been able to kind of isolate that portion of the song and find some positives about other parts. whatever man.

rise rocks. always has. big world... what is this the "make lynn really sorry she didn't come last night" set? it was fine. but i was getting nervous that they might break out plane crash and then i would have gotten mad. but instead--- kyle's song, sure, why not?

we hung out during setbreak and watched some whackjobslutwhore try and sleeze her way passed the pony security guard to backstage. it was pretty rancid. who knows- maybe she was going to offer to babysit for the band's wives so they could watch the show? that's sweet. a hooker with a heart of gold. go jersey.

set II began with everyone singing happy birfday to vinnie's daughter madison. she looked impressed. :)

st. augustine was a nice treat, yodelittle was a nicer treat- very psyched to hear that. babitz would have dug that. he would have dug that so much he'd poop in al's f-hole... -> mcbain (with various teases) -> yodelittle. that was a fun sandwich. so long. slowed down the momentum of the set in my opinion- it's a pretty and haunting song, but it can create a weird space in a set. at one point some folks tripping their balls off and wearing all sorts of balloon-hats decided to stand in front of us. wee!

oh but then they FINALLY played rebubula which was very nice to hear. it's quite appropriate for the ocean shore. some drunk white hat plowed right into kristin and matt defended her honor and nearly beat the shit out of a guy twice his size. it was pretty awesome. luckily dude's friend stepped in between and made it "all good". then i started a fight with a 300 lbs man who was trying to get through the crowd and stepped on me. "no, don't put a fucking balloon hat on me, dude- watch where you're fucking going, am i fucking invisible?" he apologized and explained that he was drunk and tripping and please forgive him. "dude, if you're gonna go-- just go... GO NOW! pass!" i was trying really hard not to smile or laugh but as soon as he left i cracked the fuck up.


ZO2- i really like this song. reminds me of zappa. in fact the first time i heard it my ipod was on shuffle and i was confused, "what the fuck zappa song is this???" oh but it wasn't! it was moe.... aww, moe. jim, you freakin' loon. and then nyc. okay, fine, whatever.

on our walk out of the venue we watched a drunk redneck jersey couple get into a fight next to the soundboard. big dude slapped greasy girl across face. girl screams wildly. slaps scumbag back. scumbag storms off. girl runs and jumps on scumbag's back. then they make out. i think jon bon jovi wrote a song about them once. how romantic.

when i got back to my car there was a spider that set up camp on my driver's side mirror. a widow weaving wonders on a (saturday) night in (july). creepy.

it was still on my car the next morning- the fucker had survived the entire drive! ugh.

the way i see it, this show- while it had it's highlights- was just kind of a soundcheck or filler to wet the appetite for moe.down. because how can i truly appreciate and enjoy the best moe. shows if there's nothing to compare them against? the stone pony is always an adventure in the making, so it was nice to see them down there again. let's say 7 HUZZAHS? maybe like 6.8? hm. i think coming off the governor's and highline shows i'm just anticipating moe.down too much. or perhaps just enough. :)>PICS... um. i kind of forgot to set the ISO on the camera (i'm not used to having the option), so i don't have many good pics. i also set the camera on the rapid-fire-mode, to try that approach. meh. one day i'll get it right.

Blue Jeans Pizza
Big World>
Kyle's Song

St. Augustine
So Long

Zed Naught Z
New York City

download the 7/4 and 7/5 shows from archive!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

gestation of a foodbaby... pt.3

DISCLAIMER: if you're just tuning in now, this is another entry in a series entitled, "gestation of a foodbaby" which follows the development of a fetus that is temporarily living in my friend's body (NOT MINE). please refer to the original entry for the full story.

20 weeks, "a banana".

a what? how do you go from 3 consecutively ball-like items (turnip, bell pepper, tomato) to a fucking banana? i mean, barring the fetus being stretched out all week (is it trying to look taller? buy beer?), it makes NO SENSE.

regardless. a 20 week old fetus apparently is the size of a banana.

there are certain ingredients you can substitute for in baking (ie: buttermilk = milk + lemon juice), but if you tried to substitute banana with a 20 week old fetus, there would be considerable damage done to any recipe. banana bread would taste more like a tender meat loaf. you wouldn't want to dunk that in your coffee, but it would probably still taste good lightly toasted and covered with butter (what doesn't?).

the only other thing bananas and 20 week old fetuses have in common is that both start to smell if left in the garbage too long (too far?).

20 weeks old, a banana.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

gestation of a foodbaby... pt.2

19 weeks, heirloom tomato

if you're just tuning in now, this is another entry in a series entitled, "gestation of a foodbaby" which follows the development of a fetus that is temporarily living in my friend's body (NOT MINE). please refer to the original entry for the full story.

this week's entry posed certain specific challenges. the first of which is that according to this crazy website (weekly update via my friend), a 19 week old fetus is the size of a "large heirloom tomato". but there's like 100's of types of heirloom tomatoes, plenty of them are large and i had to choose one.

which brings us to the 2nd challenge of this week's post. my personal battle with this entire series to put it bluntly has been: how many posts/weeks could i get through before i finally started making jokes about eating fetuses? see, the problem here is firmly rooted in the fact that this weekly comparison is of FOOD and FETUSES. so this isn't me being weird, i mean, if you keep comparing a fetus to food, one day i'm gonna start salivating when i walk past a planned parenthood clinic. it's classic conditioning.

what's worse is that I LOVE TOMATOES! my grandfather used to own a tomato-packing warehouse, we've grown tomatoes in our home garden since before i can remember, and i have been known to eat them as anyone would eat an apple or a peach (or a fetus) BECAUSE THEY ARE REALLY YUMMY (tomatoes that is).

so i tried to be strong. i did. i actually explained to someone last week that it was my friend's baby and i probably shouldn't make jokes about "real baby back ribs" because it might get weird and i didn't want to scare her so i needed to behave myself. but now with the tomatoes... you've got me. i'm weak.

19 weeks, heirloom tomato, looking oh-so-juicy and tasty

19 weeks old ala vodka

19 weeks old caprese salad

19 weeks old gazpacho shooters

so that's the answer to the nagging question which was- how many weeks would it take before i broke down and started making jokes about eating fetuses? the answer is: exactly 1 week...

oh, what the hell? one more!

(this is one of our garden tomatoes from a few years back- amazing-- possibly a brandywine?)

Monday, July 7, 2008

from the sports desk... injury report edition.

team DOOM DOOM DOOM has been rocked at it's foundations by injuries this year. it's almost the all-star break and the corpses keep dropping with no end in sight (except october). so here's a little injury list update (thanks, rotoworld):

Ryan Zimmerman-3B- Nationals Jul. 4 - 4:08 pm et
Ryan Zimmerman (shoulder) got a good review from Reds' medical director Dr. Timothy Kremchek Thursday.
"Everything looked good to [Kremchek]," Zimmerman said. "Everything looked strong -- keep doing what we are doing, keep progressing. He said it looks fine." The Nats are hoping Zim can rejoin the team by late July or early August.

not horrendous since i've also got mark reynolds, cantu, and kouzmanoff- and all are hot at the moment (though reynolds took a line drive in the wrist last week... he seems to be okay now- except that he catches like a fucking girl!).

this next one will definitely hurt:

Matt Capps-R - Pirates Jul. 2 - 6:58 pm et
Pirates placed RHP Matt Capps on the 15-day disabled list with bursitis in his right shoulder and internal rotation deficit.
An older reliever would probably attempt a comeback after a couple of weeks off. The Pirates, though, will be particularly careful with the 24-year-old Capps when they have so little to gain by rushing him back. Damaso Marte can close this month and further improve his trade value in the process. While the early word is that Capps will miss two months, the Pirates may decide there's no reason to activate him in September unless everything goes perfectly in his rehab.

Matt Capps-R- Pirates Jul. 7 - 12:40 am et
Matt Capps flew to Florida on Sunday to begin rehabbing his sore shoulder.
Capps is expected to be out until at least the first week of September, but he says he expects to pitch again this season.

probably the biggest blow to my team so far has been:

David Ortiz-DH-Red Sox Jul. 7 - 7:06 pm et
David Ortiz took batting practice Monday for the first time since injuring his wrist on May 31.
Both Ortiz and manager Terry Francona reported afterward that the BP session went well, but there's still no timetable for Ortiz's return. "It's hard, man, it's hard," Ortiz said. "You want to be out there in those series. But that said, I have to be patient. I don't want to be stupid about coming back. I don't want to come back and not be ready and get things worse."

which brings us to--- oh i dunno, who else? oh yah-

Eric Byrnes-OF - Diamondbacks Jun. 30 - 10:53 pm et
Eric Byrnes left Monday's game with a strained left hamstring.
Byrnes just returned from injuries to both hamstrings a week ago, and he's never been right at any point of the season. He reinjured himself tonight trying to steal third base, and there's a good chance he'll land back on the disabled list.

Eric Byrnes-OF- Diamondbacks Jul. 3 - 9:13 am et
According to the Arizona Republic, Eric Byrnes may require surgery to repair his injured hamstring.
Byrnes would likely miss the remainder of the season if he goes under the knife, but no decision on his status has been made yet. "Then it becomes a decision on his part, too, whether he wants to, based on the opinions he gets and listening to all the proper personnel to listen to," manager Bob Melvin said.

huzzah, eric byrnes. well played, you fucking dipshit.

in either good or bad news, i will no longer have a* player who is NA:

Clay Buchholz-S- Red Sox Jul. 7 - 4:35 pm et
The Providence Journal reports that Clay Buchholz will be called up to start Friday's game against Baltimore.
The timing of the move is odd as Justin Masterson had limited the Yankees to two runs in six innings Saturday while Buchholz gave up five runs in five innings at Triple-A. Buchholz had limited opponents to one run in 22 2/3 innings before that, though, so he'll be promoted.

team DOOM DOOM DOOM is current frontrunner for the league's "DK Award" (darryl kile) which is presented to the xmlb team that has a player die during the season. i'm totally winning that shit before lento.

that's it from the sportsdesk...
lynn, mgr. team DOOM DOOM DOOM

*because I already dropped Rich Hill when i had 2 NA's

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

off to the glue factory with you, eric byrnes... the glue factory.

monday night led to an unfortunate turn of events for arizona diamondback's OF eric byrnes. back after approximately one month on the DL with a tear in each of his hamstrings (he was finally forced onto the DL after 2 months of struggling and "toughing it out"), byrnes finally made it all the way to 2B. perhaps his horrible mustache was working!

fantasy managers everywhere heaved a sigh of relief. that is, until he tried to steal 3B- after a quick sprint he came up lame and did a flying belly-flop to the ground like some sort of spectacular paraplegic ballerina. on-field trainers quickly diagnosed the condition as grave and did the only thing they could do in that situation... they put him down. right there at 3B, in front of thousands in the stadium and millions watching on tv.

it's hard to say if it was the right move, but at least it was done in a humane way. like barbaro, he's in a better place now. a place where it's 2007 all the time and he can run free in the lavender meadows with kevin brown, jeremy bonderman, nomar garciaparra, and all the rest of the injured ballplayers who expired before their time.

eric byrnes, a haiku

launching then flying
right and left both hammies pop
to pasture with you

goodbye, eric byrnes. R.I.P. 1976-2008