Tuesday, December 22, 2009

musings on holiday decorations...

In my many years driving between NYC and VT, I developed a weird fascination with the bizarre lawn ornaments that dot up rt. 22a & 149 (Whitehall, Ft. Ann -> Vergennes and everywhere in between). Especially the strange religious figures, like Bathtub Mary. I guess it was like seeing a sopping wet hearty chunk of "Real America". This odd interest eventually became the subject of a sculpture I did during my senior year at UVM and in a seasonal twist-- it became a Manger display.

My only real regret was that I tried for WEEKS to hunt down a cd of dogs & cats performing xmas jingles to play on a loop with the display-- and failed. It was long before the days of the interwebs & music file sharing. I settled for tiny stuffed sheep that bleeted when you gave them a squeeze.

please note: a Wise Man tempts Gnome Jesus with the Dark Side.

a Wise Man brings Gnome Jesus Chanukah Gelt.

In that spirit of creativity, I have started taking serious offense to the many lawn-faux-pas happening around me each month. More specifically- those fucking giant inflatable lawn decorations. I'm not saying the occasional snow-globe on a roof is unappreciated, but why is there an inflatable Pilgrim Turkey tethered to your lawn?

And why is he wearing an ascot? Is he gay?

Every year it seems that more people choose to go the half-assed Walmart route with their decorations instead of taking the time to set up a balls-out display of awesomeness. Some hard core devotees still take the time to do it right. While it might be difficult trying to sleep next door to this one, it's kind of pretty-- and even reminds me a bit of a Monet painting:

Though this one, while perfectly executed- is a bit much and has probably caused many-a-seizure.

the Wizard House Thing-- yes, this is real

But the cookie cutter and/or inflatable lawn decorations get tackier every year. Hasn't there been a recent surge of people working to "Keep Christ in Christmas"?


How is that going for them?

Here's how it's going for them: Poorly. Inflatable Mangers? I'm a Bad Jew and even I'm slightly offended on their behalf.

Also, as an outsider- many of these decorations confuse me. What the fuck does Santa even ride in these days? I thought it was a sleigh pulled by reindeer?

Is that wrong? Does he have a helicopter now? Or is it a boat? Maybe it's a dump truck. Really? A dump truck? A dump truck for $679.99? You could buy your daughter a lot of condoms and at least 2 abortions for that kind of money.

A plane?

A tractor?

A golf cart?

Or is it a NASCAR? And if yes, which #? Who's fucking car does Santa drive?? Your Team's!

Or maybe the Northern Ice Cap has finally melted and Santa now has his very own tropical paradise (except that the Jews showed up).

Lawn Buster???

The seizure-house's (above video) music is broadcast on an FM frequency so people don't have to hear that intrusive music 24/7, but some people add audio to their displays which is an all out fuck-you & abuse-your-neighbors kind of message. That's what the DEA did during the Waco siege. Driving cult members slowly insaner w/ gregorian chants and "the rap" music. Similarly, physically assaulting neighbor's senses with xmas jingle MIDIs is grounds for eye-for-an-eye retaliation, yes?

You know what I did with my Gnome Jesus Manger once it was disassembled? Well, I returned Gnome Jesus, cuz he was fucking $$$ and that was good beer money. But 2 of the Flamingos went to the Bourbon Cowboy (They make the perfect gift). The other 2 (they were sold in sets of 2) went into my garden. Do you know why? Yes, they helped keep the bunnies away. But mostly* it was to piss off our bitchy neighbor who has a pole up her ass and gets deeply offended by those sort of things.

My point is, it's mental warfare. We all have to stare at these fucking eyesores--- if you're trying to make a point, what's the problem with taking the more interesting route and using some of that fucking brain you've got somewhere up there, you lazy-thick-skulled-pre-assembled-consuming-tools? Just because it's out-of-the-box, doesn't mean you are.

Anyways, Happy Fucking Holidaze, yo!

*... mostly.


sofajockey said...

this post was epic. 4 out of 4 stars.

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