Thursday, January 10, 2008

the new hampshire primary was brought to you by the letter 'E'.

on tuesday night new hampshire lived free and voted for the 3 e's: experience, estrogen, and evolution. while polls leading up to the primary election led pundits to believe (or at least report in the media) obama would walk away with another victory following his success in iowa, the clinton campaign pulled off a shocker (no, not that kind).

at the debate on saturday, hillary clinton got riled up! first after obama and edwards (who quickly alligned himself with obama, buddy-buddy) started talking about "change" she spanked 'em with "change" and how she's "not running on a promise of change, she's running on 35 years of change". then she responded to a blunt question of "what can you say to the new hampshire voters who seem to like barack obama more than you?" now, with actual hu-man emotions-- this crap couldn't have been scripted- she said genuinely, "well, that hurts my feelings" *DING DING DING DING DING* oooh, omg, TOTALLY more likable-- and the women went wild! well, the next day she went for it! ol' hill-dog got emotional and teary and discussed the pressures of the campaign trail and wanting to do good for her country--- this campaign is personal! she has to eat pizza and can't exercise because she's too busy! wow, hill, are you saying you're just like every working woman out there in america? HOLY CRAP-- YOU ARE GOOOOD!!!! BALLS OUT-BLAZE OF GLORY!!!!

and-- it WORKED! against all polls, election results came in on tuesday night and hillary actually beat barack obama! i have never in my life cried to get out of a traffic violation and/or speeding ticket--- and hillary cried and WON NEW HAMPSHIRE!!! i don't know whether to feel pissed or amazed... you know what? i think i'm amazed... ASTOUNDED even. i might have even learned something today... wow. just, wow, hill. of course then barack came out and made a fucking amazing concession speech which included a jab at republicans using 9/11 to scare up some votes for themselves. damn, he's an amazing speaker! and hillary came out and made an okay speech (i'm quickly becoming aware that no one can follow obama with a speech without it feeling anticlimactic-- maybe bill clinton?) where she declared over the past couple of days she had "found her voice" (aka "oh, that's what you want?"). and reporters on every tv station sat there with jaws dropped open at what had just happened and how their polls were all wrong. women voters chose hillary clinton over barack obama and had won her the new hampshire primary! GIRL POWER! damn, i bet they're sorry they gave us the right to vote now (note to self- keep eyes on george w. bush to make sure he doesn't take away women's right to vote)! on a side note, right before her victory speech msnbc's hillary correspondant declared, "people want talk, not action" twice before correcting himself, "that is action-- people want action, not talk." freudian slip maybe? hmm.

on the other side of the barbed wire high voltage security fence (STAY ON YOUR SIDE!)- new hampshire's republicans (and many independents) chose john mccain with his experience, war medals, and belief in science as the republican winner of the primary. was he the least of all evils? is it a coincidence that the man with the most experience and one that believes in evolution happened to beat southern wunderkind mike huckabee? did huckabee, a believer in creationism really expect to show up in new england (THAT IS NORTH AND EAST for you U.S. american schooled kids in our nation without maps and such) and win votes? not so fast, huckabee. up here in the northeast, we love monkeys! they're adorable, funny, and the reason they remind us of little humans is because--- well, we're related to them. so, don't you go insulting our monkey-brothers on the northeast's watch. or maybe god just didn't want you to win. ever think about THAT? or does it BURN too much, huckabee? in new hampshire you finished behind a mormon (but still ahead of rudy giuliani).

cool interactive map of the results

hill-dog gets riled:

hill-dog gets genuine:

hill-dog pulls out the tears and then she finds her voice!

obama jabs the republicans:

mccain believes in evolution (afterwards he adds that after hiking the grand canyon he has no doubt that the hand of god is also at work-- careful not to insult the religious right he's been pandering to for the past few years):

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